Ebbs and Flows

So I have moved past the anger part of my grieving.  I think so, anyway.  I read some articles over the stages of grief and I would get to parts of them and wonder why they came up with it that way.
I talk to people about what happened sometimes in a matter of fact way.  Other times it stings and stabs all over again.  I'm glad I'm not as angry, at least.

In August, when Ryan came home and told me what happened, while I watched him cripple with pain for days, while I felt so helpless for our family, I skipped some of the traditional stages of Grief.  I went straight to pissed off.  I was mad at everything.  I was mad a little bit at everyone.  I don't think I was ever mad at Lisa, though.  I was mad and I couldn't always figure out why.  I don't think I even talked to Ryan about it until after the funeral.

In trying to put up a strong front, making sure Ryan would eat, and helping Ryan with his eulogy, and watching our niece and nephews suffer a lot more than anyone at their ages should-it finally got to be too much.  I crumbled, literally, over spilled milk on my hotel bathroom floor the day after we buried her.  I fell apart.  I felt like I was going crazy.  It looked like I was sad.  Like, I was just so upset and it was all hitting me at once, but I was angry!

There can't be any rules for grieving a suicide.  It just doesn't work that way! You can't put that kind of pain into a box.  There's no time to process the loss.  There's nothing that you can physically see that might lead up to them.  There's no saying goodbye.  There is just too much out there that was unsaid or done and too much that we will never, ever know.  The Suddenness in and of itself is heartbreaking.  Then, there's the Why.  That part we are left to come up with our own-to over analyze and drive ourselves crazy about. There's blame to be placed, you think, but you don't know where to throw it.  You just can't expect people to grieve in only one way or the other after something like that.

There are moments lately that make it all new again.  A co-worker said something about if Ryan had a sister the other day, joking as I talked about my Mother-in-Laws famous cooking, and I felt my chest tighten.  They didn't know so it wasn't too bad but I still felt a hot knife pierce my heart very quickly.  It took me a few moments to recover. I cried at the table having drinks with friends the other day just by saying her name.  It scared me and I think it freaked everyone out at the table.  There will always be ebbs and flows of grieving and different versions will come in and out, and perhaps we will never fully recover, however I feel better moving out of my anger, at least.

5 Things I've Learned 5 Months In

I have fallen behind on this blog.  Its not for lack of material, definitely, but mainly because I'm tired of looking at a computer screen when I get home.  I am going to get back on track.

This is just a little write up on what I think 5 months into marriage.  I realize that I, at this point, would be the last person someone would go to for marriage advice, but rather than try to tell someone how to do things, these are just my observations.

1. Ya gotta have a plan.
When you are in a relationship, especially a romantic one, you always need to be thinking of the future.  As a couple, its important to have something you're moving towards.  However, here we are about 5 months into the thing and we had to have a "Now What?" conversation.  If you don't have sort of a plan, work one out.  Its good to dream and think about your futures-together.  Whether its a dream one of you have or both of you together think, talk, or draw it out.  Its fun and...you can figure out if you're still on the same page.  What good is a future together if you're not going anywhere?

2.  Check in.
Call and check on each other once a day. Take just a couple of seconds out of your car ride, your lunch break, your invoicing, or whatever. It eases up stress and it keeps the talking going.  I know it helps if I've had a tough day to hear my husband's voice if only for a minute. We are working on this, but I think its important.

3. Be Honest!!!
I can't stress this enough.  If your have a shitty time with something your spouse is doing, or not doing, don't hold it in!  So what if it leads to an argument!  It just balls up into an even bigger one.  Once your honest and talk about it (or yell) you may realize that he/she has NO IDEA of what they are doing or that they're even hurting you.  Also, you can work out how to fix whatever it is.  Let it all out in the open. You'd be better airing it out now, or else it may stink later.  Y'know what I mean?  They may be thinking your want something one way and you're expecting them to do something different...whatever the case may be.  Don't hold something in just cuz you don't want to fight about it.  Arguing can be healthy.  Don't be afraid of them.  Arguements, also don't need to be had all at once, either.  If you need a break to breath or think, take it and come back to it later...but not too much later.

4.  Be aware of what you say.
Its really easy to get in a routine of picking on your partner, even to other people.  I think I've caught myself 100 times in the last month, at least, picking on my husband about thinks and the way I say it, it sounds like nagging.  Like, I don't appreciate him.  Like, I think he's stupid.  I don't!  Quite the opposite but I have been trying to make myself aware of what and how I say things.  I'm joking around but I started to notice that he doesn't do that, and if he does, not nearly as much.  Mainly, remembering to say, 'Thank you,' for what he does.

5.  Money won't kill you or save you.
If there is one thing we freak out over most of all, its money.  We are in an adjustment period.  I'm not used to sharing my money with him and he's not used to sharing his money AND he never had debt until I came along and married him.  Give each other time on this adjustment but work it out together.  If only one of you is working on it, I'm afraid it might be too frustrating in the long run.  Make sure you are both on the same page about where your money goes.  There will be no surprises and therefore no blame put on each other-hopefully-later if there's something that comes up.


I'll tell you what: Ryan is, seriously, my best friend.  I have more fun with him and we get each other sometimes on a really scary level.  However, I could really murder him sometimes.  Then, I take a breath and realize, "You know what, its really not that important that he can't remember where the socks go in the drawer."