Pregnancy Insanity.

I really wish people would talk about this stuff more.  If I had seen something like this written before I was pregnant or even a few weeks ago, maybe, just maybe, things would be a little different.

Being someone that has struggled with anxiety and depression since probably my pre-teen years, with very little support or understanding of it until more recently, I have experienced a huge struggle during the first few months of pregnancy.  Even without the previous problems I have had, I think this would still be a tremendous struggle for me, now.  I have been so excited about this baby and I am so excited to be blessed to be pregnant.  I have wanted this so much for a very long time.  Everything has gone just fine so far.  I'm now in my 2nd trimester but for the first, I don't know, 15 weeks of pregnancy I have been on a tremendous roller coaster ride.

For my first OB appointment, I was almost sick in the car.  I was terrified that we would get there and have an empty sonogram.  I was sick at the thought of finding something wrong.  I was anxious that I had eaten something or done something to this baby and had screwed everything up.  Everything was fine.  We had a little flashing jellybean on the ultrasound and we were so excited.  I asked how big the baby was and asked if it was about the size of an olive.  She said, Yeah, it was about that size.  She pointed to the screen and said, "Look! There's your olive!"  I was so proud of my little olive baby!  I kept the ultrasound photos in my purse and was showing it off to everyone.

Baby G at 9weeks.

In a matter of a week or so I was already back to square one, though.  I couldn't get to sleep one night because I was seriously thinking about how I killed the baby through eating too many shrimp or because I accidentally ate the wrong cheese.  As ridiculous and stupid as this sounds, that is legitimately how I felt.  I was forcing back tears while my husband slept peacefully next to me.  I had nightmares of people killing me or killing someone close to me which always put me on edge for the next day making my anxiety worse. If I cramped even a little bit, I was going to the bathroom expecting my period to have started.  If I lifted something really heavy the next day I was worried I did something to the baby.  "Oh my God, I painted the set at the theatre and now I'm going to kill the baby cuz of the fumes."  I was wearing myself out worrying ...constantly. It never stopped.
By our second appointment, I gripped the door handle to the car and turned several times to tell Ryan to pull over but didn't.  I felt uncontrollably nervous.  We waited for what felt like hours in the waiting room when they called us back.  We were supposed to hear the heartbeat for the first time, and the dr came in with the doppler.  It took her a full minute (the longest 60 seconds of our lives) to find our olive's heartbeat.  I didn't feel like telling my dr about how I felt.  I didn't even want to talk to my husband about it.  I heard that little thumping coming from my tummy and felt at peace.  I felt like I could breathe and I prayed, I really prayed for that feeling to last.
I was only just beginning to get the Bump. Sure it was mostly very attractive bloating, but a bump I could notice. I had people if they knew I was pregnant, say they were surprised I was so small at that stage or surprised that I hadn't felt movement yet.  Like, too surprised.  These people weren't trying to freak me out but they planted little seeds in my mind.  "Well, of course your smaller you screwed something up."  "You can't feel them move because you miscarried."  These are serious things that were going through my mind.  I finally couldn't stand it anymore.  I was becoming more and more moody trying to hide my anxiety about things. (as if pregnancy hormones don't make you moody enough) I had been home alone a lot, as well, during this. So I had been alone with these thoughts.  I finally broke down to my husband.  I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't make sense of the things I started to say because they all started to come out at once to him.  He had no idea!  Poor guy.  I was hyperventilating and angry at him for leaving town again while I felt this way and he had no idea.  I prayed that God would calm me down to find peace.  To find happiness in my pregnancy instead of stress.  I started to feel better but I still had those little voices throwing little fears at me.
We had our 4 month appointment and, since I had started to finally unload my feelings, I felt comfortable unloading a little bit of what I was worried about to my dr.  She was supportive.  She smiled at me while I talked about my ridiculous worries and fears.  She finally said, "Don't worry about it.  Don't worry about everyone else-quite listening to them.  You listen to me and I say you're fine."  She got the doppler out and immediately found the little bitty heartbeat and I felt like crying.  It was so much louder and easier to hear.  She smiled, "See?  You're baby is fine."   She told me and showed me what the little kicks would feel like and that it was ok that I hadn't felt them yet, and took her time to talk to us.  I finally felt ok.  I finally felt like we were all a team and everything was going to be fine.  I finally felt like I was enjoying being pregnant.

The thing is, I have talked to a few people about this and I have discovered that this is normal.  Unfortunately normal.  Motherhood is a lot of responsibility and a whole lot of pressure.  It doesn't get any easier when they are in the world, either, but for some people its hard to get through the pressure of having that baby depend on your very body.  I found this verse more recently in Philippians that spoke to me very differently than it has before.
"Do not be anxious in anything but in everything, by prayer and request, and with thanksgiving give your requests to God. And the peace of God, which exceeds understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds."
This time when reading it, it felt as though God was saying, "For goodness sake, talk to people! Tell people and unburden yourself.  I can give you peace but you have to tell people about this stuff!"  After I talked to people and my dr and my husband (I guess he's people too) I felt lighter.
A few weeks later we saw our olive baby wasn't much of an olive anymore but was much bigger and much more active.  We watched baby G bounce around on a monitor and suck their thumb.  There was finally no anxiety before I went in the appointment.  I just felt...excitement!

Baby G at 18weeks

My thought is, if you find yourself experiencing this, don't beat yourself up.  Try not to hold it in.  You are definitely not alone in this and...you are not CRAZY!  You are having the first impressions of motherhood and its overwhelming and scary and that's o.k.  You are awesome and special and going to be just fine.  And even if something happens, even if you find yourself in the worst place, it isn't your fault.  There are tons of things that can happen but that doesn't mean that they will happen.  Talk to your dr if you feel anxious, too.  If they don't want to talk to you about this stuff, FIND ANOTHER DR.  Seriously.  Talk to your family, your friends, have conversations with God.  You're all on the same team.
I hope this helps.

The Day Our Lives Changed.

A couple of weeks after I was laid off from work, I was really tired of feeling like a blob of gross.  Crampy and grouchy and lazy, I kept telling Ryan and I wished I would just start my period already.  I was expecting to start it any minute after being probably two weeks late...probably.  Finally, on June 9th, I decided I should take a pregnancy test to rule it out. My dr said since I was on birth control, to not freak out if everything takes 6 months or longer; That there was a chance it could happen sooner but highly unlikely. I was pretty used to taking 'pee on a stick' tests by this point.  I was having so much trouble figuring out when I was ovulating so I was taking weeks of ovulation tests, which I have since deemed the most ridiculous and confusing devices ever.

I sat down to take the test.  I opened the test out of its childproof packaging that I ended having to get freaking scissors to get open.  Then, I remembered, "Oh crap.  The exterminator is coming this morning.  I'm not going to have a pee stick sitting out on my counter when he gets here!" So, I picked everything up and waited for later.  At 10:30 a.m., about five seconds after the bug guy left, I sat down again.  I took the test, set it on the counter and then went in the living room.  I started working on something-I don't remember what-when I finally remembered, "OH YEAH, I need to check that thing."  (It has been a while) I walked into the bathroom and saw two pink lines.  Wait, what?!  I picked it up and squinted.  My hand started shaking.  I had to sit down on the floor so I didn't fall over.  I remember thinking, "Is this real life?" and "Today is when everything changed."  As dramatic as that sounds, that is literally what I remember thinking.  After a few minutes, I decided to take a picture of the test so I would remember the day.  My hand was shaking so much, I ended up taking about 40.

I had decided months before, because I'm insane of course, how I would tell Ryan if we were to get pregnant.  I was going to order pizza and have "We're pregnant!" written in the lid of the box.  It was pretty simple.  So I waited until the afternoon to call Ryan and tell him that I needed him to be home at 5pm so I could have dinner with him before I had to be at auditions that evening.  He said fine.  At 2pm, I decided to take another test because, y'know what I could have been dreaming.  I took another test, TIMED it this time so I wouldn't forget about it, and waited for the result.  It was a different test, so this time it was a big "YES" with a plus sign on it.  I said, "OK."  I pre-ordered the pizza and decided I would write the message in the box myself because I don't trust people, apparently.  I scheduled it for 4:45 so I would have time to write it before Ryan came home.  He's never actually home on time, either, so I figured that since I asked him to be home at 5, he would more than likely be home at 5:20 or 5:30.

I was prepared but still freaking out.  I was nervous.  I was still spinning from what was happening.  I saved the last test and put it on the counter in the bathroom, so I kept going back and checking to make sure I read it correctly.  4:30 pm arrives.  I am pacing the floors of our 800 s/f apartment. I see a Papa Johns' truck come up the road and fly past my house at 4:40 p.m.  I was livid.  I ran out the front door!  I don't know if I was trying to run after the truck or what my intentions were but I was like, "Does he not understand what is happening here?!!"  I stood by the window waiting for the inconsiderate ass to show up with my freaking important pizza when I see a shadow with a backpack go to the front door.  I fling the door open as Ryan arrives with, "You're here?!? What the hell?!"  His eyes bulged out of his head with a meek, "yes?"  The one time he arrives early home.  The one time!  I pull him in the house and say, "Well, fine, hold on," as I shut the door on him leaving him puzzled on the front step.  I ran through the house making sure my laptop was shut (I had a bunch of pregnancy website things on the screen) and rechecking the pee stick in the bathroom.  I ran back the front door when Ryan said with a smirk on his face, "Are you hiding someone in there?"  I pulled him in the house and said shouted, "DON'T GO DOWN THE HALLWAY!" I went back outside and searched, like a frightened deer, for the stupid pizza guy.  Nothing.  It was 5pm.  Defeated, I walked back into the house.  Ryan was starting to walk down the hallway.  "STOP! Don't...aauuugghh!"  Ryan froze and then put his backpack down in the living room.  I bolted down (all 6 feet of our hallway) to the bathroom and hid the test behind my back.  I tapped him on the shoulder and said I had to show him something.  I said ok and I showed him the positive test.  His reaction?  "Um...Is this an ovulation test or a pregnancy test?"

None of our really important moments together have gone perfectly or at least very well.  Down to the very first time we met!  This was no exception.  It turned out that Papa Johns never received our order so we reordered and went to pick it up.  I ate and left for my audition.  I don't remember much from my audition except that I was so wired from the afternoon I had a lot of trouble reading the already difficult to read dialogue.  I came home in time to witness the news finally sink in for Ryan.  We were experiencing the same feelings: more excited than we had ever been and more terrified than we had ever, ever been.

So here we sit, getting things ready for baby G.  Sometimes it still kinda feels like a dream.