Pregnancy Insanity.

I really wish people would talk about this stuff more.  If I had seen something like this written before I was pregnant or even a few weeks ago, maybe, just maybe, things would be a little different.

Being someone that has struggled with anxiety and depression since probably my pre-teen years, with very little support or understanding of it until more recently, I have experienced a huge struggle during the first few months of pregnancy.  Even without the previous problems I have had, I think this would still be a tremendous struggle for me, now.  I have been so excited about this baby and I am so excited to be blessed to be pregnant.  I have wanted this so much for a very long time.  Everything has gone just fine so far.  I'm now in my 2nd trimester but for the first, I don't know, 15 weeks of pregnancy I have been on a tremendous roller coaster ride.

For my first OB appointment, I was almost sick in the car.  I was terrified that we would get there and have an empty sonogram.  I was sick at the thought of finding something wrong.  I was anxious that I had eaten something or done something to this baby and had screwed everything up.  Everything was fine.  We had a little flashing jellybean on the ultrasound and we were so excited.  I asked how big the baby was and asked if it was about the size of an olive.  She said, Yeah, it was about that size.  She pointed to the screen and said, "Look! There's your olive!"  I was so proud of my little olive baby!  I kept the ultrasound photos in my purse and was showing it off to everyone.

Baby G at 9weeks.

In a matter of a week or so I was already back to square one, though.  I couldn't get to sleep one night because I was seriously thinking about how I killed the baby through eating too many shrimp or because I accidentally ate the wrong cheese.  As ridiculous and stupid as this sounds, that is legitimately how I felt.  I was forcing back tears while my husband slept peacefully next to me.  I had nightmares of people killing me or killing someone close to me which always put me on edge for the next day making my anxiety worse. If I cramped even a little bit, I was going to the bathroom expecting my period to have started.  If I lifted something really heavy the next day I was worried I did something to the baby.  "Oh my God, I painted the set at the theatre and now I'm going to kill the baby cuz of the fumes."  I was wearing myself out worrying ...constantly. It never stopped.
By our second appointment, I gripped the door handle to the car and turned several times to tell Ryan to pull over but didn't.  I felt uncontrollably nervous.  We waited for what felt like hours in the waiting room when they called us back.  We were supposed to hear the heartbeat for the first time, and the dr came in with the doppler.  It took her a full minute (the longest 60 seconds of our lives) to find our olive's heartbeat.  I didn't feel like telling my dr about how I felt.  I didn't even want to talk to my husband about it.  I heard that little thumping coming from my tummy and felt at peace.  I felt like I could breathe and I prayed, I really prayed for that feeling to last.
I was only just beginning to get the Bump. Sure it was mostly very attractive bloating, but a bump I could notice. I had people if they knew I was pregnant, say they were surprised I was so small at that stage or surprised that I hadn't felt movement yet.  Like, too surprised.  These people weren't trying to freak me out but they planted little seeds in my mind.  "Well, of course your smaller you screwed something up."  "You can't feel them move because you miscarried."  These are serious things that were going through my mind.  I finally couldn't stand it anymore.  I was becoming more and more moody trying to hide my anxiety about things. (as if pregnancy hormones don't make you moody enough) I had been home alone a lot, as well, during this. So I had been alone with these thoughts.  I finally broke down to my husband.  I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't make sense of the things I started to say because they all started to come out at once to him.  He had no idea!  Poor guy.  I was hyperventilating and angry at him for leaving town again while I felt this way and he had no idea.  I prayed that God would calm me down to find peace.  To find happiness in my pregnancy instead of stress.  I started to feel better but I still had those little voices throwing little fears at me.
We had our 4 month appointment and, since I had started to finally unload my feelings, I felt comfortable unloading a little bit of what I was worried about to my dr.  She was supportive.  She smiled at me while I talked about my ridiculous worries and fears.  She finally said, "Don't worry about it.  Don't worry about everyone else-quite listening to them.  You listen to me and I say you're fine."  She got the doppler out and immediately found the little bitty heartbeat and I felt like crying.  It was so much louder and easier to hear.  She smiled, "See?  You're baby is fine."   She told me and showed me what the little kicks would feel like and that it was ok that I hadn't felt them yet, and took her time to talk to us.  I finally felt ok.  I finally felt like we were all a team and everything was going to be fine.  I finally felt like I was enjoying being pregnant.

The thing is, I have talked to a few people about this and I have discovered that this is normal.  Unfortunately normal.  Motherhood is a lot of responsibility and a whole lot of pressure.  It doesn't get any easier when they are in the world, either, but for some people its hard to get through the pressure of having that baby depend on your very body.  I found this verse more recently in Philippians that spoke to me very differently than it has before.
"Do not be anxious in anything but in everything, by prayer and request, and with thanksgiving give your requests to God. And the peace of God, which exceeds understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds."
This time when reading it, it felt as though God was saying, "For goodness sake, talk to people! Tell people and unburden yourself.  I can give you peace but you have to tell people about this stuff!"  After I talked to people and my dr and my husband (I guess he's people too) I felt lighter.
A few weeks later we saw our olive baby wasn't much of an olive anymore but was much bigger and much more active.  We watched baby G bounce around on a monitor and suck their thumb.  There was finally no anxiety before I went in the appointment.  I just felt...excitement!

Baby G at 18weeks

My thought is, if you find yourself experiencing this, don't beat yourself up.  Try not to hold it in.  You are definitely not alone in this and...you are not CRAZY!  You are having the first impressions of motherhood and its overwhelming and scary and that's o.k.  You are awesome and special and going to be just fine.  And even if something happens, even if you find yourself in the worst place, it isn't your fault.  There are tons of things that can happen but that doesn't mean that they will happen.  Talk to your dr if you feel anxious, too.  If they don't want to talk to you about this stuff, FIND ANOTHER DR.  Seriously.  Talk to your family, your friends, have conversations with God.  You're all on the same team.
I hope this helps.