Goodbye and Farewell.

This year didn't suck but I'm glad to see it leave.  It was not without is truly awful moments, however.

I sincerely look forward to the adventure that lies ahead.

We have been blessed this year in very simple ways.  We have not been generously given all that we had hoped but we are thankful, nonetheless. We have been healthy, for the most part.  I have been busy.  I have met some very wonderful people and we have good friends.  I have inherited an entire family and so has Ryan.  We have not gone hungry.  We have been able to travel.  We have been able to give to those that need help.

In many respects, this Holiday season has been met with an air of hesitance.  I, for one, wasn't sure if I was ready or not for the Holiday season.  I didn't know for sure if I was ready to face the cheeriness of the season that was expected or ready for the impeding spending that comes with gift giving.  I finally caved in and decided that, ready or not, it was definitely coming.

We had a very nice Christmas.  We spent time with my parents the weekend before Christmas and we really enjoyed our time there.  Then we came back and spent a quiet Christmas Eve and Day at home.  It was our first as an official family and with all of the bustle of the whole year, we wanted to spend it at home by ourselves.  It was perfect.  We went to church Christmas Eve.  We exchanged our little gifts with each other.  Each year during this time, I am reminded of how much Ryan loves me in the greatest way possible.  We only did as much as we wanted for our own private little holiday.  We left Friday morning to spend time with Ryan's family.  It was very nice.  It was chaotic where expected and lovely where expected.  But there was still an empty place.

There was one less person opening gifts and one less person sharing dinner with the family.  We missed Lisa in the quiet moments.

Before gifts were exchanged and after.  We missed her while picking teams for a game of dominoes.  She was missed after all the guests left and we were in the quiet.

There was a moment when I thought I could take (better) family photos this year when I remembered last year's.  They weren't very good and I was so disappointed in how they came out.  The living room plus the lit tree just wasn't the most giving light for decent portraits and I didn't like how they came out.  However, those will forever be the last photos I took of Lisa and the rest of the family.  And for my husband, it will always be the last picture I took of him and his sister.  The thought sobered me.  It just didn't seem ok.  I didn't end up taking any because the weather was just so gross out and I didn't want to deal with the living room lighting again.  Mostly, I simply didn't feel up to the task.  It felt too heavy. 

Perhaps for the next family holiday I'll be more prepared to take on the task.  Until then...

The events of the past year have left so much open to the next that I genuinely look forward to all 2015 brings....all of it.

So, goodbye, 2014.

The End of 2014

I haven't posted on my blog in some time.  It isn't purely out of laziness, either.  Its because what I really have wanted to write about I haven't been ready to put together and throw it out there for everyone quite yet.

First of all, lets talk just a little bit about family.  Family is what you make it.  There are people that you like that you aren't related to and there are people you are related to you that you genuinely don't like.  Family doesn't have to be something your born with.  You can make it what you want.
In a marriage, there are a couple of people that are forming a union.  They don't have to like each other but they do.  They don't have to care about each other but they do.  They make a commitment and they make themselves their own little family.  They make, in turn, an even bigger family by coming together and everyone sort of gets sown together.
I don't have brothers or sisters.  Well, not in a biological sense.  I have people that I have considered a sister and people that I have looked to like brothers but didn't have that in a traditional way.  Not in the annoying, mom-my-brother-put-toothpaste-in-my-hair kind of way.  I looked so much to the day that I could get married and have one...or a couple of them!  Not to say that anyone would put toothpaste in my hair now, either.
I think I cared about all of my looming in-laws like family for a long time but looked forward to the officialism of the marriage of two families and officially having siblings.  I didn't allow myself to get fully involved in everyone's goings-on regarding the family as a whole because, well...I wasn't really family yet.  I should have shown that more from the start.  I don't know what all would be different now but maybe it would make a little bit of a difference.  I even have felt frustrated at times from feeling like I should say something from time to time about one thing or another but going to Ryan about it instead.  I would wait for him to say something instead of me overstepping my place.  I would sometimes come off as harsh when asked about some things because I felt an inner sort of struggle between telling them exactly how things should go and stepping myself back.  The family I was raised with is always in everyone's business and sometimes they don't even care whether or not they are overstepping or hurting your feelings.  That's how we show we care!  Nothing says love like making someone cry over Thanksgiving dinner!  I'm just kidding.  But really, we are always in everything and coming into a different family I wanted to pace myself. 

In January and February, we celebrated Ryan's birthday with what is probably the ugliest cake I have ever made.  We finally got to meet the one and only Miss Lorelai Thompson and fell in love with her. We went on a walk with the dog and made plans for a wedding date.  I helped direct a show for the first time in years.  I started a new job.  Things unexpectedly started out promising!  A good friend of mine, Jane, said, "Jen.  I really think this year is going to be awesome for you guys!"
By March, I had become disillusioned by my job.  My hours were cut back a good deal without notice and the job, in the end, was not worth my sanity.  So, I resigned and the Friday of my last day I was offered a new job to start the following work day.
In April, I had celebrated my birthday and the show I had worked hard for really didn't need me anymore.  We had seen my grandparents the most unhappy they had ever been.  We visited them in the nursing home and prayed that everything would come together and heal quickly so that they could finally come home and be happy again.  We celebrated Easter.  We saw Ryan's grandmother slip away.  We buried her a week later.  I was asked a question and given a ring.  We became Official.
By June, I didn't know what to think of the new job.  I knew I could do it, but after I while a started to realize that he wasn't giving me all of the jobs that I was supposed to do. I wasn't being trained.  No one had time!  Then, after leaving work one Friday afternoon I was told I didn't have a job anymore.  I went on job interviews with nothing really coming up.  I was denied Unemployment Benefits. We had a wedding to pay for.
In July, we celebrated the Fourth with my best friend, Ali, and her family.  It was probably my favorite July 4th.  At least as an adult.  We made plans and put invitations together. Later, our picture was in the paper for the upcoming wedding!  We fought over stupid things.
Then, August.  I was home filling out a job application.  The door flew open and Ryan's figure stood in the entryway.  "You scared me to death," I laughed, "Why are you home so early?"  Then, I saw his face.  "Mom called," he said, "Lisa shot herself."  This dialogue plays in my head so often.  The degree of hurt in his eyes and body was unbearable.  I helped him take off his jacket and backpack. It sounded like he was gasping for air.  I walked him to the couch where he slumped over.  You can't prepare yourself for dealing with that level of pain.  You can't prepare yourself for trying to help someone you care about with that amount of pain.  My soon-to-be sister was gone.
By September, things were so different.  I wrapped myself up in wedding planning.  I applied for jobs.  I tried to keep it together for my soon-to-be husband. We got Lisa's family's rsvp-for one less. I went on a job interview where a woman asked why I was even applying for a job when a wedding coming up so soon. (insert eye roll)  I had my bridal showers.  I had a Bachelorette party that was perfect!
October finally got here.  Ryan had his Bachelor Party.  We had everything finally coming together.  We got hitched!  We danced, we ate.  We went on a honeymoon that we couldn't have gone on without the help and love of some of our family.  We relaxed, really relaxed, for the first time in well over a year.  We came back to our home.  It was a mess but it was wonderful.  I won three awards for some of my photography.
In November, I celebrated with my best friend not accidentally killing her daughter for a whole year!  We decorated and ate lots of sugar and she told me she was having another baby.  We celebrated Thanksgiving.  It was the first time my grandfather recognized me the entire visit.  We ate too much. We drove to both Thanksgiving dinners this year.  There was an empty chair at the table.
Now, its December.  Christmas Day is only about three days away.  We will spend our first Christmas Day as a family at home.  There will be an empty place at Christmas, too. 

I'm hoping that with each new thing that pops up, the pain will sting just a little less.  With each new thing, its as though it all becomes very real all over again. There are so many possibilities to the new year.  Anything can happen. The thing to remember is that Love, true love, is constant.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, Love never fails.
Jane wasn't wrong about our year.  It was awesome!  It was not without its downs as well as its ups, but it was awesome.  I am looking forward so much to the possibilities of the coming year with my new family as well as the one I already had.

White Flags.

An interesting thing about trying to sort your life together: it doesn't seem to want to be sorted.
Between learning about my soon-to-be family, trying to be there for my own family, figuring out my new life, and planning this wedding, and trying to learn a new job things have been all over the place.  I, at least, have felt a sense of importance and security because even with things being chaotic at time, I can recognize the blessing that it is.  Things keep changing and challenging me.

First of all, I'm trying to get all of the invitations in order including the addressees.  I didn't know what a challenge that would be.  Not even in the sense of just finding addresses and all that.  It was a disheartening experience.  I have had people simply ignore my request for their address.  It makes you feel completely unimportant.  It made me feel awful.  Its disappointing.
I have never been one of those people that has a ton of friends.  I'm awful at keeping friends.  I'm socially awkward and generally uncool.  I feel weird if I don't talk to someone for a long time and then call them.  I also wish people would call me instead of me always seeking them out and then it doesn't happen and I feel our friendship drift apart.  For my closest friends, I am still not a person people think of in situations all the time.  I've never been any one's bridesmaid or probably won't be asked to be any one's godparent or anything like that.  Its just how things are.  Now, that doesn't mean that I don't care about these people-I love them all the same.  However, a lot of the time I feel like I just care about them a whole lot more.  See?  Socially awkward.  I tend to read way into things a whole lot more than what I need to, as well.
Anyways, I wasn't prepared for the rejection of it.  It was weird.  I finally had to decide on not being hurt by it anymore and that I should raise a white flag and move on.

Secondly, I lost my job on Friday.  Yep.  I have a wedding in 4 months and got laid off.  I had my rep call me at 6:45 on Friday evening as I was leaving the gas station to inform me that she had bad news.  That I was terminated from my assignment and she wasn't given any specific reason.  Awesome.
I am really, really freakin tired of looking for work all the time.  Its exhausting.  Beyond that, this just makes me feel incredibly stupid.  I feel like an unimportant failure. 
This morning I woke up to my alarm and pressed the "Off" button.  At that moment, I decided that I would take this as an opportunity to enjoy my time at home and work on what I need to with the wedding with our families.  I raised a white flag and decided to let it go-for now at least-push on through. 
I need to be reminded that there is always a plan and I should wait for that to come about.

Thirdly, I had my first wedding nightmare last night.  It wasn't anything mind-blowing or anything.  I basically showed up to the wedding venue and nothing was set up and I freaked out.  The end.  Still, I'm sure its only the beginning.   haha!

There is nothing miraculously profound in today's post, but I thought I'd update everyone on the adventure!

The Myth of Weddings

I'm sitting here with pink eye and a medicated sinus infection eating the last of some of my Christmas stocking stuffers trying to get wedding addresses together.  I am missing work cuz I was scared I would infect everyone with my stupid eye so I stayed home to work on this and sanitize the house!

I would like to bring up something I've been thinking about for the last month.  First of all, in the past I would see the engagement announcements in the papers or on Facebook and they are all smiley and carefree.  "Its a breeze," I would think.  I have planned a wedding before, after all, but that one was so disorganized and I had hardly any help.  The then person wasn't right, either.  So, of course that one was a mess of stress and panic attacks! 
Augh.

This wedding is beginning as a lesson in stress management.  I have to say that we've gotten a lot done in the last two months and a lot of the major hurtles have been, y'know...hurtled.  However, as the day gets closer and closer I feel like my stress is gearing more and more towards the people in my life.  This wedding planning thing is driving me crazy!
I genuinely think that this is meant to test the relationship before we tie the knot.  Seriously.  I feel like I could strangle Ryan.  He's always been a bad decision maker.  He's always been easily distracted.  This is going to kill me before the wedding.
I think we are all fed this ideal of engagements and weddings.  Everything is supposed to be only in a certain order and be a certain way.  Its not incredibly simple.  We are taught to get caught up in what the ring looks like and then we have a whirlwind of  people swirling around us showing us pictures of everyone else's weddings for ideas.  You have people showing you articles in magazines or some kind of awful floral decoration that you politely acknowledge.  Then you're trying to put all the ideas to work that you've been planning for probably a year...secretly.  Everything is all over the place and you're visiting places and people and getting the amounts you owe people confused.  You come home from work and just want a rest from wedding emails and conversations, so you and your fiance leave some of the planning alone for a while.  Then you realize that you've put it off for nearly a month and are behind on so many things!  So you play catch up and get some things nailed down.  Then when it comes to the "easy" stuff, like picking who you want in your wedding party as well as some of the little details and suddenly you and your fiance are having a series of little meltdowns.  You feel like you want to punch your partner in the face for not making a phone call.  You want to yell someone you haven't even met for not returning an email.  You feel like breaking something when you forget that one detail that you decided to put off cuz it was too early to do it at the time.  You have so many stupid decisions to make you start to reconsider the whole ordeal.  You even start to reconsider your own freakin relationship when Oh-my-god-he-still-hasn't-made-that-damn-phone-call! 

There is a myth of weddings so that we build them up to this pinnacle of an event for our lives.  For some people, its the only big even of their lives.  Its this huge thing that has to be perfect and unique and classy.  Weddings are really all fluff, anyway.  No really!  None of this stuff matters.  50 years from now no one is going to care about what my bouquet looked like or my fancy dress.  No one is going to remember how good or bad the food is.  What matters is a family coming together.  The marriage and the health of Ryan and I's relationship is what matters.  Sure we want to throw a good party to celebrate these super cooky people becoming one but its not the end of the world if we don't carry a certain kind of wine at the reception or we have one table cloth that doesn't quite match. 
Its all about perspective.

What I'm finding is that I need to relax a little more about this stuff.  What I need, however, is people to be aware of this so they can help prevent me from relapsing into Chaos mode.  I like my fiance and I really don't want to stab him with a butter knife.

On Leaving the 20s

Earlier this month I turned 29.  I wasn't all that pumped up about it, nor was I bummed out very much about it.  I just kind of went through the day like normal.  I was fairly certain that a lot of the people I'm around the most would have forgotten about it or didn't pay attention enough to notice.  For the most part I was right about that.  Thank goodness for Facebook reminders, right?!  I mean, my family remembered but that's different.  The cast remembered my birthday after our preview night was done and then everyone sang.  I felt like crying.  I'm not sure why I did but I did.  I think it was out of the thought of it after going a whole day without anyone knowing and being alone.  Ryan was out of town.  It could have been out of embarrassment, though, too.  Who knows!
I got home that evening and was purely and utterly exhausted.  I melted into the couch and an awkward Ryan emerged out of our kitchen with at Cold Stone ice cream cake with "Happy Birthday" written on it.  Then, I cried.

The next day, I sat in reflection of what what 29 actually means.  I'm leaving my twenty-somethings and moving to a whole new set of numbers. Those that know would know that that's really confusing to me because I apparently have trouble remembered my age anyways.  I think a lot of people, most particularity women, look at the 30-something range as something looming in the distance.  Its understandable, I suppose.  Your clocks are "ticking" and usually its the thought of being ever so closer to the top of that ominous hill we all have to dress in black for as we cross over.

My 20s were filled with so many dips in my life.  My 20s were filled with the end of my college years which were fantastic in the world of education.  Not so much in the sense of my relationships, both romantic and not.  I loved my major and my minor.  I really did love class.  I hated tests and stuff but I loved learning what I went there to learn.  I learned a lot in my classes that weren't necessary in the curriculum, as well.   I learned a boat-load about myself.  Especially learned a lot about myself in my mid-twenties.
However, it is definitely not what I would call some of my best years.  There is too much heartache and chaos in those years.  There's too much looming back there.  To me, the coming 30s are a hopeful blessing!
Its heading in the right direction anyway.  I got 'officially' engaged on Friday to the "Gilbert Blythe" I should have been looking for all along.  I am so annoyingly excited about our new lives getting started!  My relationships outside of mine and Ryan's are good and strong.  I have learned who my real friends are.  My parents and I are finally healing over a lot of wounds that were created over a very difficult time.  I have a future that I feel I can be proud of.

So, to that I say, I'm so relieved to be leaving my 20s.  I will savor my last twenty-something year and say goodbye to them next April with great glee!

Family.

Recently, while looking over wedding stuff with Ryan we were discussing certain possibilities and scenarios.  I don't remember exactly what we were talking about but I answered at one point with, "Well, I don't think that will be a problem.  I'm pretty sure your family isn't psychotic about this kind of thing....well, my family isn't either.  Well, maybe both of ours can be a little psychotic.......but nothing too crazy!"  The truth is everyone's family is a little psychotic at times.  There are those certain people that-well, you know.  That's part of being a family! 
I think having a crazy family is one of the perks of growing up.  It'll keep ya on your toes and you'll be more prepared, seemingly enough, for the unpredictability of life. 

My family, in particularly, is going through a great deal right now.  I feel very tired.  I'm concerned for all of the people involved and its weighing on my a great deal.  I'm not there, though, so I can only imagine what it must feel for my family over there dealing more directly with this, daily. 
My grandparents are in a 'skilled nursing facility.'  They are hating every moment of it. Its one of those things that you don't want to see and want to let them go home and be happy, but we also want them to get better and be healthy.  Everyone is dealing with the circumstances in their own ways.  Everyone is tired.  Everyone wants to do what's best.  However, everyone is not always on the same page.  Family.
This Sunday was my grandfather's 94th Birthday and we planned a small gathering at the facility to celebrate.  During one particular moment this weekend, there was a frustrating discovery about some of the care-giving instructions at the facility and the room suddenly became a chaotic mess of venting said frustrations all over the party room that we were 'celebrating' in.  My grandmother's posture slumped and she began to look very tired, my grandfather started wandering around outside of the room and the rest of us just tried to think of something else to talk about and...failed.  Its not like what happened was on purpose or trying to make things crazy, its just part of what happens sometimes when you get family together during some hard times.  The crazy takes over for a few minutes and you just gotta work with it.  Its really easy to want to loose all patience with these kinds of situations and end up very angry with all that's piling on but there also has to be a time where you have to take a step back and remember that we won't have them forever, to appreciate them while we do, and to be a little more patient.
Later, my grandmother was in a great deal of pain but didn't want to go to her room and said she had already taken something earlier for it.  She was very uncomfortable.  My grandfather who is very protective and concerned for her took her hand and would softly speak to her.  He asked for others to get medicine or anything he could think of to help her.  He was always by her side.  Ryan later said that he must be the sweetest man alive with the way he talks and takes care of his wife.
Family.

Through thick and thin.

On Asking.

OK!  So, here's the deal, people:
Ryan and I have a wedding date but he hasn't asked me yet!  Mom is all worried about my having a ring and his parents told him to quit doing everything backwards.  I don't really care so much about the ring.  I just really want him to ask me.  That's a pretty big deal!  You have to say, "Hey, I'm ready!  Are you?"  Guess we just have to do things our way.  Hopefully something will be progressing in the next couple of week...right, Ryan?  I know you're reading this, Ryan.  We ALL do.

lol

Basically, how this came about was I was expecting a proposal before the end of the year.  Why, you ask?  I'll tell you.  Because I overheard a conversation he was having on the phone in which he said that "something" was happening before the end of the year.  And that was the only thing he could have been talking about because of how sketchy he was acting about the phone call and how he ran to the back of the house when he said it.  So, I looked at the calendar and, HOLY CRAP, the anniversary of the awful day that we met falls on a Saturday in 2014.  How perfect would that be if we tied the knot on that date three years later?!  Exactly.  A little cheesy but I LOVED the idea!!  But nothing happened.  Finally, a little over a month ago after a sort of 'come to Jesus meeting' that we had, I mentioned again about the date while we were at the dog park.
"This date would be perfect but I need to know...is this going to happen or what?!  Cuz if we want that date, we kinda have to start putting things together.  Now."
"Yeah," he said after thinking a few moments, "That sounds good!"
"So...we have a date," I asked for clarification purposes?
"Um.  Yeah, lets do it," he said.
So, we have been busy looking a few venues and figuring our invitation lists.  Its all very exciting and very stressful all at the same time.  I just wish he would ask me.

I wonder if we, as women, just have this idea of the order of things.  Like, how everything is supposed to go down up to the wedding night.  It all is supposed to happen in a certain way at a certain time and it will all be perfect.  I don't like that.  I mean, yeah, I want to be formally and traditionally engaged but we are technically engaged and planning making a public, permanent commitment to one another.  Isn't that really what an engagement means anyway?  Furthermore, there is no perfect relationship and there is no perfect marriage.  So, why do we have this ideal of a laid out, orderly engagement and then a perfect wedding where we are supposed to do things a certain way, as well..  A perfect wedding does not a solid marriage make.  I know we all want the Hollywood wedding of our dreams, but why exactly is that our goal?  Wouldn't it be better to have an out of order relationship that is solid and honest and have a wedding that's more focused on the people and families coming together than to have the tradionality of what's expected of the wedding day and have it all in order and...perfect?
I bought my wedding dress about a year ago.  I bought shoes that match it perfectly and were marked down to $17.95 from $150 because it was too good to pass up-true story.  But when I told people about it out of excitement I've gotten some weird responses.  Mostly people that are excited with me and very positive.  However, I had two people ask, "Well, are you engaged?"  Well, we have a wedding date.  But of course they were asking in the traditional sense of things--they were asking about the ring.  I don't care about the ring.  I mean, its lovely and special and something that Ryan is working on. I'm excited to get that from him as a symbol of our coming commitment.  However, I don't need a ring to know how he feels.  I need for him to tell me.  This is just something on my mind and needed to put out there.

Hopefully, I will have an update on this topic very soon.
Until then....

My, oh my....

Things have certainly been busy.  So busy that I have totally pushed this little blog to the side-Sorry folks!

I have literally felt as though my head has been spinning the past 6 weeks.  As though I just can't get my stuff together.  I feel pulled in different directions.
 I have begun my new job and have been out of training for about two weeks.  Its a lot of information and a lot of energy.  Its been a little overwhelming.  Plus, I'm acting as Assistant Director for Othello which opens in just a couple of weeks at StageCenter Theatre!  Its been an adventure, that is for sure.  Its going to be awesome, though.  Also, Ryan and I have been very busy getting things together to move forward in our relationship.  Its all very exciting but I feel as though my head is spinning. Its as though I'm unbalanced.
I feel frustrated about some of these things.  For instance, when I was hired at my job I was hired to work a full-time, "8-5" job which is why I accepted the position and (surprise) it is not 40 hrs a week when I was already taking a pay cut.  I found this out when I only had two days left of training.  Its disappointing. 
I am praying for guidance and for calm.  Its frustrating because I felt such a sense of relief upon being offered the job. Now, I'm frustrated and overwhelmed.
Oh well.

In other news, I have been given the date in which I will be doing the Anthem again for the Brazos Valley Bombers.  I'll be on home plate on June 12th at 7pm.  Come out and watch some baseball!

Hopefully, I will have something a little more exciting to write about sometime soon.

Out of Darkness

Isn't is strange that out of some very horrible things that some very beautiful things can come?

There are horrible historical events that effect a person upon living through them and then they go to the page, or the stage, or an instrument and try to change the world.  There are more personal things that a person can experience and they react the same way and take to express there pain or there spirit how it pertains to them and they change people with their art.

This is something I was thinking of while watching the Opening Ceremonies last night for the Sochi Olympics.  Russia is not a perfect place and they have been through a great deal of turmoil over their years but there is some very exceptional Art and Artists that have emerged from that country.  Out of darkness can come some very prevailing light that can reflect across the world.  Not only in Russia, obviously, but anyone is capable of sharing something very important. 

This idea furthermore proves to me that there is always a plan whether or not we see it spelled out in front of us.  Our parts in this plan can be huge or very small but we still have a part in it. 

Chins up in your times of darkness-you don't realize how important you are.

Be still...

So...
I started a new job last week! When they called and offered me the position I must be honest and say that I was relieved...I was relieved and not excited about it until the morning I began working.  Its still a positive thing! 
Its been pretty interesting so far.  Mostly a lot of information being thrown around right now, but once I get things I realize its not quite as hard as I thought it was.  The thing that is definitely going to be the hardest for me is all the freaking SITTING!  My back has been getting angry at me for all the sitting and sitting, then walking for 15 seconds to the bathroom, then sitting, then walking 15 seconds back to my desk...then sitting.  I am not earning many Weight Watchers Activity Points at my place of employment.  Let's just say that.  Its a pretty cool set up and I'm eager to see where the coming weeks take me!

On another note, we have began production on Othello at the theater.  I am taking the job of Assistant Director very seriously and I'm not sure how that's being received, yet.  haha  I am so excited to see how this show evolves.  It has some very promising potential to be a hugely fantastic and successful show this season.  Opens in April so plan on being there!

Ok, so the most influential thing that I can take away from this past week is what God is trying to teach me in the likes of ...Patience.  The moment I think I have things pretty close to calm, I have a twitchy, ADHD adult next to me in my training class that sucks his water out of his water bottle each time he drinks out of it followed by a gaspy, smacking sound each time he puts it back down, taps constantly on his keyboard, desk and/or chair arms, and repeatedly adjusts his office chair-loudly.  I have to remind myself each morning and each time I come back from my lunch break that its my job is be kind and loving towards him.  It doesn't mean I have to like him!  I have to chant it to myself like its some kind of spell for making him silent.  Like, maybe if I repeat it enough it will activate some kind of cosmic mute button. 
I also have a young lady that makes outbursts during each activity that we do in class.  Everyone knows when she gets something wrong...and when she gets something right!  It can be frightening at times when you're really focused on what your doing and the rest of our class is being very quiet. Then, "AW! How'd I miss that?!"
Oh, well. 

Regarding other matters, I have mixed these lessons with other important little reminders that God has been, apparently, sending my way.  In other aspects of patience and also with jealousy I have been tested.  I actually realized at one point that while I was denying that I was jealous of a situation, I was describing being jealous as what I was feeling.  It was quite the 'revelation.' 
I keep reading in Ryan and I's studies to be quiet and to trust that there is a plan.  It makes so much sense when you're there in that moment and you think, "Oh, yes.  This was written for me for today-I needed this," but when you move on with your day and you're faced with some some small (or huge) obstacle its been conveniently forgotten. 

Freakin' gift cards!!

During Christmas, Ryan and I decided to give my parents an antennae set so that they could receive Bryan-College Station channels to get more accurate news and weather, as well as receive the Houston channels that they already received through Dish Network.  Did a lot of running around and we bought it and wrapped it and were super excited for them to open it!  Friday before Christmas, we were getting dinner ready at Mom and Dad's when mom said, "Guess what you're Dad did?! He got all of our channels switched so we get local news now!"  My initial reaction was, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"  Dad apparently was left alone in the house all day, got bored or something, and got a wild hair to change over the satellite location-thingy.  Mom was still disappointed because she, as a result, lost the Houston channels which she still wanted.  I told Ryan outside in private and his eyes became HUGE as his jaw dropped open.  I had already pretty much told them that's what they were getting for Christmas because it originated as an idea for my Mom's birthday-because this was more for her.  AUGH!
The following evening, we huddled in front of the fireplace and exchanged gifts.  Its was peaceful and we laughed and drank hot chocolate.  Then it came to Mom and Dad's turn..."And this big box says to Mom and Dad..." read my father very loudly.  He slid the box across the floor at Mom's feet while I said, "TahDah! Something you don't need anymore!"  Mom rolled her eyes and told Dad to open his first.  They opened the box together and, needless to say, Ryan and I's excitement had, by this time, dwindled to a subtle awkwardness.  Mom explained to Dad what the thing was and that she wanted him to call the satellite company back and get the programs back to where they were cuz she didn't like not having Houston news!  Dad nodded largely.  I wasn't sure if he was confused or didn't hear her.  "LYNN! This is for the channels where they are! (she points to us) You need to call the Dish thingy people and put it back to where it was," she exclaimed!!
Ok.  So, the next morning Ryan and my father tackled setting the whole thing up.  They unwrapped everything, hung it up on the roof, and got it working in the house.  The excitement had returned and Mom and I cheered like little girls when it came on the tv and we saw how clearly the reception came through!  Way to go, Ryan.  Success!
After Christmas, my parents started to call Dish to switch the channels back...and were unsuccessful.  When they had the satellite account set up, the installer used another address based in Huntsville as the address of the dish while their real one was used as their mailing and that is how they were able to receive Houston news.  My dad, who apparently was not listening to any of that when we had the satellite installed 11 years ago, said, "WHAT?  That's not our address, that's so silly," or something of that, I imagine.  They switched the address and switched the satellite channels.  They were unwilling to change them back unless they moved back to the previous address.  My mom apparently yelled at a Dish CSR and said, "BUT WE NEVER LIVED THERE TO BEGIN WITH!" 
The point is, I received a phone call last weekend saying they were taking the antennae down and they hoped Ryan wouldn't be offended.  They were bringing it back to us so Ryan could return it and get the money back.

A week later, they came to town to see a movie and take us out to dinner so we could celebrate my Dad's birthday and Ryan's birthday at the same time.  Ryan figured out the Monday before Christmas what he wanted to get my father for his birthday.  When they decided to come into town Saturday afternoon, Ryan hurried to the store to pick up the truck bed extender thingy for my dad to go along with his new truck.  He excitedly wrapped it up in the living room a few hours before they got to the house and we picked up a few small things to give to them both as a sort of replacement for their Christmas gift that they were bringing back with them.  They arrive at the house bearing the satellite box.  It walked in as though it were a casket.  Ryan placed the open box on the freezer for the viewing.
A few minutes later there was a confusing discussion regarding Tractor Supply.  Ryan and my father were going to go to Tractor Supply and as they started out the door I began to hear what sounded like what Ryan had already wrapped as a gift, and was currently leaning on our living room wall, being described as what he was going to buy at the damn Tractor Supply!  "WAIT!" my Mom and I screamed and motioned for Ryan to come to us.  "Y'all need to go ahead and open gifts!  Y'all are not going to the stupid Tractor Supply store," we explained, panic-stricken! 
Ryan pulled my father back into the house and my Dad reeled in the confusion.  Ryan pulled the giant box away from the wall and my Dad started to open his very thoughtful birthday gift with adorably miss-matched Christmas wrapping paper.  Dad pulled only the top portion of the paper down and said, "Oh, no."  Apparently, while my dad was bored in Nederland just a couple of weeks ago (are you noticing a pattern here?) he bought the same thing that he was now unwrapping for himself. 
We now had two gifts that we had to return.

The moral of this story is, Gift Cards.  For now on, we are either giving my Dad gift cards or ruining any surprises entirely by telling them what we are giving them a whole month before any exchanging commences! 
The end.

Prayer and Other Things.

In the goings on in this past Holiday season and all the time with family got me to thinking a lot more about life.  Our life.  While we were doing a couple of our readings last weekend and this week, it got me to thinking more about God and what he wants from us and what our lives are capable of. 
Ryan and I are definitely going through a lot lately and I'm sure that there's more of the road to go but we are learning to trust and be patient. We prayed the other night and I nearly cried as I listened to him talk to God in the most honest form I have heard in a very, very long time.  He was frustrated and was asking Him for direction in an honest and direct way.  It wasn't rehearsed, it wasn't a recitation, he didn't try to sound "fancy."  He just told God what was happening and asked for his help.  It was moving and sweet.  I felt God listening that night.  I know it sounds all touchy-feely and maybe stupid, but that is honestly what it was like.

One of the things that God wants from us is a relationship.  God made Mankind and then he saw that we were good.  He likes us!  There are differences there, y'know.  There are different kinds of love, yes, but there are also differences between loving and liking someone.  It sounds pretty obvious but you can love someone and not like them.  I mean you can love a lot of people but it can be because you sometimes... have to! You know who just popped into your head when you read that, too!  Don't act all innocent-we all have that one person in our circle or in our families!  God is different, mostly because he's y'know God, but because he likes us.  And he doesn't have to.  Not to mention, we can all be pretty difficult to love and to like, at times.  We push him away.  We deny he exists or answers prayers.  We say we love him and go to church every Sunday but don't talk to him for the rest of the week.
I think its easy for the most devout in the Christian faith to get into ruts with their spiritual relationships-we are only human. 
To get more to the point, God wants a relationship.  He doesn't want to only hear from us on whatever day you go to to worship.  He especially doesn't want to not hear from us at all.  Most of all, I think he really doesn't want to hear us repeat or recite to him.  I don't think he likes that at all!  When you mumble the same prayer before every dinner so quickly that you can't really even understand what the crap you even said, that is not from our hearts and He doesn't want that.  I'm not sure that he listens to it.  He doesn't want to hear the prayer he freakin' hears at every meal or the one that he, essentially, said in the Bible-he wants to hear from us.   The Lord's Prayer (Matthew 6:9-13), which most of us are familiar with in some respect, was written as more of a, I don't know, an outline.  Jesus was teaching us how to talk to God and gave a short little example.  He said to address him in a way that is meaningful to you, then to praise and thank him for what he as done, then we can ask of him what we need...we can make it more complicated that that but for this that's pretty much the gist of it.  Its not meant to be recited or read in place of our own conversations with Him.

I also read recently something very interesting.  That God still speaks to us but he doesn't speak to us in extravagant signs and visions and dreams, but with words.  He speaks to us in words.  So, doesn't it make sense that the that would be the easiest way to get to Him? 
We need to, perhaps, quit thinking of God as an entity that's so far away and have a relationship with him like he wants.  He knows us already but he wants to hear about what's going on from us!  Its kind of like any kind of relationship.  They take work and effort on both ends and he wants us to hold up our end of the bargain.

Goodbye, 2013!

We rang in the new year quietly at home after watching the Aggies kick butt and trying to put together an insane puzzle. 

We had champagne at midnight and then Ryan fell asleep on the couch.  All the jumping around and yelling at the tv during the game must have worn him out!  It was very nice to have an evening home for NYE, though.
We have been having so much fun this holiday.  We travelled around 700 miles for the Christmas holiday and we were all VERY tired but enjoyed every minute of it!  I feel privileged to be a part of some great families.

I don't really have any emotions to explain or anything about the past year or the coming one.  We are in the same position as before, to be frank.  I have made a list, however, of promises I have made to make this year different for myself as well as our household.

I will be positive.  I will make more of an effort to be optimistic and positive.
I will be calmer, or try to.
I will find success in what I do, no matter what it is.  I will not judge my success by comparing to other's.
I will continue to love all others.
I will read more.
We will be healthy.
We will speak openly about what bothers us, no matter how uncomfortable it might be.
We will share quiet time with God as a couple every day.
AND...
We will take Lefty to the park more often.

We are all looking forward to 2014!