First of all, lets talk just a little bit about family. Family is what you make it. There are people that you like that you aren't related to and there are people you are related to you that you genuinely don't like. Family doesn't have to be something your born with. You can make it what you want.
In a marriage, there are a couple of people that are forming a union. They don't have to like each other but they do. They don't have to care about each other but they do. They make a commitment and they make themselves their own little family. They make, in turn, an even bigger family by coming together and everyone sort of gets sown together.
I don't have brothers or sisters. Well, not in a biological sense. I have people that I have considered a sister and people that I have looked to like brothers but didn't have that in a traditional way. Not in the annoying, mom-my-brother-put-toothpaste-in-my-hair kind of way. I looked so much to the day that I could get married and have one...or a couple of them! Not to say that anyone would put toothpaste in my hair now, either.
I think I cared about all of my looming in-laws like family for a long time but looked forward to the officialism of the marriage of two families and officially having siblings. I didn't allow myself to get fully involved in everyone's goings-on regarding the family as a whole because, well...I wasn't really family yet. I should have shown that more from the start. I don't know what all would be different now but maybe it would make a little bit of a difference. I even have felt frustrated at times from feeling like I should say something from time to time about one thing or another but going to Ryan about it instead. I would wait for him to say something instead of me overstepping my place. I would sometimes come off as harsh when asked about some things because I felt an inner sort of struggle between telling them exactly how things should go and stepping myself back. The family I was raised with is always in everyone's business and sometimes they don't even care whether or not they are overstepping or hurting your feelings. That's how we show we care! Nothing says love like making someone cry over Thanksgiving dinner! I'm just kidding. But really, we are always in everything and coming into a different family I wanted to pace myself.
In January and February, we celebrated Ryan's birthday with what is probably the ugliest cake I have ever made. We finally got to meet the one and only Miss Lorelai Thompson and fell in love with her. We went on a walk with the dog and made plans for a wedding date. I helped direct a show for the first time in years. I started a new job. Things unexpectedly started out promising! A good friend of mine, Jane, said, "Jen. I really think this year is going to be awesome for you guys!"
By March, I had become disillusioned by my job. My hours were cut back a good deal without notice and the job, in the end, was not worth my sanity. So, I resigned and the Friday of my last day I was offered a new job to start the following work day.
In April, I had celebrated my birthday and the show I had worked hard for really didn't need me anymore. We had seen my grandparents the most unhappy they had ever been. We visited them in the nursing home and prayed that everything would come together and heal quickly so that they could finally come home and be happy again. We celebrated Easter. We saw Ryan's grandmother slip away. We buried her a week later. I was asked a question and given a ring. We became Official.
By June, I didn't know what to think of the new job. I knew I could do it, but after I while a started to realize that he wasn't giving me all of the jobs that I was supposed to do. I wasn't being trained. No one had time! Then, after leaving work one Friday afternoon I was told I didn't have a job anymore. I went on job interviews with nothing really coming up. I was denied Unemployment Benefits. We had a wedding to pay for.
In July, we celebrated the Fourth with my best friend, Ali, and her family. It was probably my favorite July 4th. At least as an adult. We made plans and put invitations together. Later, our picture was in the paper for the upcoming wedding! We fought over stupid things.
Then, August. I was home filling out a job application. The door flew open and Ryan's figure stood in the entryway. "You scared me to death," I laughed, "Why are you home so early?" Then, I saw his face. "Mom called," he said, "Lisa shot herself." This dialogue plays in my head so often. The degree of hurt in his eyes and body was unbearable. I helped him take off his jacket and backpack. It sounded like he was gasping for air. I walked him to the couch where he slumped over. You can't prepare yourself for dealing with that level of pain. You can't prepare yourself for trying to help someone you care about with that amount of pain. My soon-to-be sister was gone.
By September, things were so different. I wrapped myself up in wedding planning. I applied for jobs. I tried to keep it together for my soon-to-be husband. We got Lisa's family's rsvp-for one less. I went on a job interview where a woman asked why I was even applying for a job when a wedding coming up so soon. (insert eye roll) I had my bridal showers. I had a Bachelorette party that was perfect!
October finally got here. Ryan had his Bachelor Party. We had everything finally coming together. We got hitched! We danced, we ate. We went on a honeymoon that we couldn't have gone on without the help and love of some of our family. We relaxed, really relaxed, for the first time in well over a year. We came back to our home. It was a mess but it was wonderful. I won three awards for some of my photography.
In November, I celebrated with my best friend not accidentally killing her daughter for a whole year! We decorated and ate lots of sugar and she told me she was having another baby. We celebrated Thanksgiving. It was the first time my grandfather recognized me the entire visit. We ate too much. We drove to both Thanksgiving dinners this year. There was an empty chair at the table.
Now, its December. Christmas Day is only about three days away. We will spend our first Christmas Day as a family at home. There will be an empty place at Christmas, too.
I'm hoping that with each new thing that pops up, the pain will sting just a little less. With each new thing, its as though it all becomes very real all over again. There are so many possibilities to the new year. Anything can happen. The thing to remember is that Love, true love, is constant.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, Love never fails.
Jane wasn't wrong about our year. It was awesome! It was not without its downs as well as its ups, but it was awesome. I am looking forward so much to the possibilities of the coming year with my new family as well as the one I already had.
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