Ebbs and Flows

So I have moved past the anger part of my grieving.  I think so, anyway.  I read some articles over the stages of grief and I would get to parts of them and wonder why they came up with it that way.
I talk to people about what happened sometimes in a matter of fact way.  Other times it stings and stabs all over again.  I'm glad I'm not as angry, at least.

In August, when Ryan came home and told me what happened, while I watched him cripple with pain for days, while I felt so helpless for our family, I skipped some of the traditional stages of Grief.  I went straight to pissed off.  I was mad at everything.  I was mad a little bit at everyone.  I don't think I was ever mad at Lisa, though.  I was mad and I couldn't always figure out why.  I don't think I even talked to Ryan about it until after the funeral.

In trying to put up a strong front, making sure Ryan would eat, and helping Ryan with his eulogy, and watching our niece and nephews suffer a lot more than anyone at their ages should-it finally got to be too much.  I crumbled, literally, over spilled milk on my hotel bathroom floor the day after we buried her.  I fell apart.  I felt like I was going crazy.  It looked like I was sad.  Like, I was just so upset and it was all hitting me at once, but I was angry!

There can't be any rules for grieving a suicide.  It just doesn't work that way! You can't put that kind of pain into a box.  There's no time to process the loss.  There's nothing that you can physically see that might lead up to them.  There's no saying goodbye.  There is just too much out there that was unsaid or done and too much that we will never, ever know.  The Suddenness in and of itself is heartbreaking.  Then, there's the Why.  That part we are left to come up with our own-to over analyze and drive ourselves crazy about. There's blame to be placed, you think, but you don't know where to throw it.  You just can't expect people to grieve in only one way or the other after something like that.

There are moments lately that make it all new again.  A co-worker said something about if Ryan had a sister the other day, joking as I talked about my Mother-in-Laws famous cooking, and I felt my chest tighten.  They didn't know so it wasn't too bad but I still felt a hot knife pierce my heart very quickly.  It took me a few moments to recover. I cried at the table having drinks with friends the other day just by saying her name.  It scared me and I think it freaked everyone out at the table.  There will always be ebbs and flows of grieving and different versions will come in and out, and perhaps we will never fully recover, however I feel better moving out of my anger, at least.