As I have gotten older, I have learned a thing or two about rough patches and when your life changes direction unexpectedly. I have been through a lot for my age but it could have been much more worse, I'm sure. This time a year ago I was under the impression that things were finally starting to shape up and I was surprised again! Only this time there isn't so much drama involved in this Life Detour but just as much stress. I have taken some time to reflect on my past Detours and how they effect me now. Understandably, I cannot allow myself to focus on every single one of the negative transactions in my life or I risk roaming the pathetic road, so I have just been reflecting on my major Detours. These being the events that have had some kind of major effect on my life that changed me-positive or negative. What's strange (or sad, however you want to look at it) is that most of my major rough patches and detours have to do with my relationship choices.
I have had a lot of different romantic relationships. I'm sure from an outside prospective they look like an eclectic collection of dwarfs or something. There was the shy one, my mom's favorite, and then the possessive. There was the pathological-lying musician, the alcoholic, the obsessive tech guy, and the over-reactor. It goes from there but its taking too much time for me to think of short, cute descriptions of them for me to list them like that.
Approximately, my Junior year of college I had my heart truly broken for the first time. It was during this time that I realized that the past two "big" break-ups didn't hold a damn thing to what I was now experiencing. I had planned an entire life with this person and he clicked cancel on us and moved on. Just like that. I was stuck with a wedding gown, a wedding party, and a fruit platter in my hotel room while we tried to make sense of it all. It takes a very special kind of person to do what he did to me. It wasn't just my heart that was left broken but my entire life. I didn't have a place to live, a lot of people were no longer talking to me, and what was I supposed to do with our Marriage Certificate?! It was a mess...and mess is NOT the correct word. After receiving multiple phone calls over a time saying that he needed time and that he would be back-to wait for him-the blinders finally lifted and I realized that he had already been in another relationship. He left with her after he deleted our relationship status. I was still left to sort out my life. I was fine with the dissolution of him and I, however, I had a plan and now it was gone. What was I supposed to do now? My life had detoured. After I found myself a rat filled "apartment" I went back to school and started working, but nothing was the same. I became a lost person. Not because of what happened but because I needed to figure out what I needed to do. I was partying a lot and making a lot of very crazy decisions. I withdrew/flunked out of my classes for that semester. There was finally a moment, I don't remember when, that I thought that this was no way to live and that I needed to finish school and quite fooling around. I was a survivor and this was done with! I could have been stuck in a much worse position. There were SO many things in that partnership that should have clued me in that it was wrong for me-ie, the controlling behavior, the drama immediately involved when we were together, the fact that I wasn't really that excited planning our wedding. Looking back now, what I can take away from this ordeal is, "Holy crap! Thank God that happened!" My life outlook, my perception of people, and my relationship with my family all changed in just a matter of days.
When I turned 22, I had just began dating a new man. I considered it my first real, grownup relationship. It was fun in the beginning and he was one of those guys that would buy me a lot of stuff just because, but it always made me feel weird. He took me out a lot and talked about me to his friends. I liked him and he was pretty easy to fall for. We moved in together in 6 months and I was finishing college and taking care of our house. Soon after I graduated, however, things began to go sour...very slowly. I had a lot of trouble finding a decent job in my town and went from job to job. The recession hit. It was a hard time for both of us-we were both going through a lot of transitions. But instead of coming closer together through hardships it became a totally different relationship all-together. What started out as a night out with friends became long nights with lots of yelling. Later, things were sometimes broken by him after a night of drinking in some random fit of anger. We had ups and down throughout our 4 year relationship but things had just started to get a better. Then, things made a detour. He ended up going to prison for things quite unexpected. I won't go into it any further because there is a chance he has changed and he is trying to get his life back together, and I won't be a part of ruining that. However, after nearly a year of letter writing, miscommunications, a relocation for a new job, and a lot of soul searching I decided that it was time for me to move on. It couldn't be decided by anyone else. I didn't break up with him because of his sentencing or anything regarding that. We were no good for each other! He had his own things to work out and I needed to be happy again.
One thing, though, is that after I moved and, later, lost my job due to a lay off, I became a darling puppy's mom. Without those sadly cheerful eyes begging me to get up out of bed each day and depending so much on me I would not have been brave enough to seriously consider changing the direction I was going. It was actually a very hard decision for me to make but I felt that it was the right one as soon as I let that part of my life go. I have taken an endless amount from that time in my life. I learned a lot about loyalty and trust. I also learned a lot about myself and how much I can handle. I learned what true loneliness was. I learned that I can break but I can put myself back together, too. Mostly, I know now that I met this person for a very important reason and I am glad it happened. It made me reevaluate what is important and I learned a lot about what I want out of life and who I want (or don't want) in it.
I met Ryan on eHarmony. Yep. There is a whole story there, but that will be at a later date. (Its a great and hilarious story, so be sure to tune in!) I am so blessed that I was brave enough to create an eHarmony profile on a whim around two and half years ago and to now have him in my life. He is so good to me. He is patient, kind, attentive, goofy, laid back, and strong. He is the person that I should have been looking for the whole time but didn't know I needed.
Barely over a year ago, I moved to College Station to be with Ryan and to seek out better job opportunities. Within a short period I was on dozens of interviews and landed a great job with an office I never thought I would work for, but was so excited and eager for the opportunity to work there. Nine months later, the job started to wear on me and the lack of things began to turn me off to the firm and I slowly began to peruse for other employment just to see if anything was out there. I didn't do it quite fast enough, I suppose, because they fired me.
Since then I have been working to find a new job. I have been struggling with my anxiety over last few months. Too many thoughts have been going through my head everyday that are overtaking my mind. I have worried about how to pay my bills, and my student loans. I have worried that one day Ryan will turn into someone from my past and our relationship will change due to these hardships. I have been anxious, also, because I don't want anyone to have to help me out. I want to be able to take care of things myself, and it has been very difficult to accept help. However, Ryan has been a smorgasbord of patience, understanding, and support.
This life detour is setting us back a bit, but the great thing is I have the tools to handle this from what I have already been through-I just have to remember that instead of freaking out. Things are not perfect and completely wonderful for the time being but I am still happy. We have our each other, we have our families, we have our God, and we'll get through this...until the next one!
From the experiences above, I learned something that is a very difficult thing for most people to understand. There comes a time where I think we must be thankful for the Rough Patches and Detours in our lives. We have to say, "Wow, thank God I came out of that," and most importantly, "Thank God that this happened." It sounds a little nuts but I believe that when we get to that point then we are much stronger people. We can say that this happened and know that we are changed and we can move on from it! Its not supposed to be simple to move forward, either, but its supposed to make us into the people that God wants us to be. We know what to expect now from our Rough Patch and can live so that it doesn't happen again or are just better equipped. Life is full of Rough Patches and Detours but I think that's what makes it a journey instead of just a destination. Everything would be really boring if it we were meant to get to just one destination.
"Life is pure adventure, and the sooner we realize that, the sooner we will be able to treat life as art."
-Maya Angelou
No comments:
Post a Comment