My Life After the Vows.

I think I always thought that a healthy relationship and marriage were some kind of distant impossibility.  Like, the idea of actually settling down and starting a family were something I knew were going to happen, especially once I was engaged, but it always seemed like such a long way away.  A far away thing that I wasn't going to reach.

After 3 major relationships that failed in a very major way, I figured that all of that was really never going to happen.  It was always easy for me, after a time, of thinking of marriage with my partner or saying we were in it forever.  There was even a time where I said that I didn't need a slip of paper to define my relationship.  I suppose it used to be easy for me to commit myself to someone but it was never that easy for the other person. It was very much the opposite once it became a real thing.

I never had 'cold feet' before I got married.  I was only ever excited about it all.  Yes, the morning I got married I had a horrible stomach ache and some really awful gas from an upset stomach.  Its embarrassing to have your Matron of Honor's husband bring you Gas X while your getting your hair done.  Nerves can really reek havoc on your digestive system.  But I never freaked out before my wedding about any of it.
After I've been married, I've had a series of heart stopping moments when my mind realizes, "HOLY S**T! I'M MARRIED."  Its stunning, really.  I have to share my car insurance with a boy.  My name is different all of a sudden and my signature looks funny.  Its finally "OK" for us to talk about certain things or (gasp) sleep in the same room when we visit our parents.  Being a mom is in reach. Just little things.

I've never been so satisfied with my position in life, however.  I'm finally comfortable.  Its a little weird.  After nearly 30 years of being constantly insecure and unsure of where my life would end up, this is quite the change.  
It is just difficult for me to wrap my mind around the fact that this is really happening for me.  Its like a whole new book instead of just a chapter!  I feel as though I finally got one thing right and all put together like a puzzle piece that had been lost underneath the couch for a long time.
I don't worry as much.  We can argue and get on each other nerves, and I don't worry about him giving up on me.  I can do something gross, like accidentally putting cheese in my ear while gorging myself, and he's still going to be around.  No, I can't try to run him off-we still need to be nice to each other-but its sure comforting to know that anytime we do screw up that we are still going to be there for each other.  Its pretty awesome.  And still pretty unbelievable.

I can't help but think that we should feel this as Christians in our relationships with God, as well.  We take a lot of God's grace advantage of.  We get too comfortable and used to the idea so our relationship becomes a little one sided.  But, holy crap, God isn't going anywhere!  We can run off and do something really stupid but he's always there to hold us in the end.  Marriage is supposed to be a reflection of God's relationship with the Church (his people) and that is exactly what it should be.
Its all making sense now! 

The journey is never over but at least I am on the path I need to be and I can't wait to see what's ahead.